Wednesday, August 23, 2017

The Adventure Chapter 1 Review (Rewritten next week!(

Hey Jammers! As you can probably tell from the title, I am going to be redoing The Adventure which if you don't know, is the story that I submitted in Gracie's story contest in 2016, which you can view  here!
 Now, I have been thinking about doing this for a while, but then when Gracie said she is going to rewrite Lizzy's Diary, I made my final decision XD  But first, we will be reviewing it! (Its amazing how much I have improved my writing sense then lol)

First things first...

Chapter 1 Velvet's New Bible

Dove raced to Alpha HQ. She quickly climbed the ladder that led up to it. “Dove! About time!” Ember exclaimed “Get your otter self over here! There have been signs of Phantoms around Jamaa!” Velvet said “I know, I know.” Dove said, sighing, “What were you doing?” Velvet asked “I was at Bible Study.” Dove answered “Bible study?! While Jamaa is in danger? Are you crazy!” Ember exclaimed Velvet looked at Dove. “It doesn't matter. What matters is your here. We need to discuss what to do.” Velvet said.
 “So, where have they been spotted? Dove asked “Around Deep Blue.” Ember answered “Deep Blue?” “How is that possible? Tavie has been patrolling that area.” Dove pointed out. “Well, Tavie went to visit her sick grandmother.” Velvet said grimly.
 “Greely? Peck? Cosmo? Graham? Sir Gilbert?” “Peck, and Greely have been missing.” Ember said. “We need to find out where they are! We need to-” Dove was interrupted by a strange and creepy laugh. The three otters spinned around, they were face to face with twenty Phantoms! Dove, being quick as lighting ducked as a tentacle reached forward to shock her. Velvet got shocked. “Noo!” Ember screamed as she threw a boomseed at the Phantom who shocked her. Suddenly Ember got shocked too! 

I can't find the right words to explain this, but, the uh grammar? Isn't the best 'Suddenly Ember got shocked too!" No commas? Okay then. 

Dove threw Boomseed after Boomseed. Ducking and dodging the bolts that came toward her. Until there were no more. “How come Dove is always the leader?” Complained Ember getting off ) he floor. The game was interrupted once again by Ember complaining. “I don't know.” Dove said shrugging. Velvet grinned. “I don't know either.” she said Suddenly they heard Dove's mom call from the house. “Kids! Come inside! It's time for lunch!” “Ten minutes Mrs. Otter?” Ember called back. “No. Right now! You're food is going to spoil!” Ember rolled her eyes. Dove frowned at Ember. “The Lord commands us to honor our parents, and to obey them.” Dove reminded her. “You really believe that stuff?” Velvet asked sincerely.
 “Yes. And you should too.” Dove said “You know it's not true Velvet. The world was created by Mira and Zios.” Ember said crossing her arms. “No. they founded Jamaa, the Lord created Jamaa. And them, and us, and everything!” Dove said “Now C'mon our food is getting cold!” “Its just sandwiches.” Ember mumbled And with that, they scurried down the treehouse. They all took a seat around the table and enjoyed a meal of PB and J sandwiches. “Hey mom, can Ember and Velvet stay a week? Sense schools out for Summer break and all.” Dove wondered, “It's fine with me, but they will have to ask their-” Mom started “Parents. We already did!” Ember said with a grin. Mother Otter smiled 

Why did I do PB and J... I was lazy, obiously.

“You must get your-” “Stuff. Already did! We brought it into Dove's room. We knew you would say yes.” Velvet said with a grin. Mother Otter looked at the three young otters. “Okay. I am going to take a nap. You stay out of trouble!” And with that, Mother Otter went to take a nap. “Lets go put our stuff in the treehouse!” Dove said, they ran up to her room, grabbed everything (including snacks and soda's) and headed towards the treehouse. Once they set up everything, Velvet asked a question. “Hey, um. Dove?” Velvet asked “Yes Velvet?” Dove asked “Do you maybe have a, well... Bible that I could borrow?”  Velvet asked
 Dove smiled “I sure do! You can keep it too!” Dove exclaimed.  

(including snacks and soda's)  Why is there a ' in sodas? Uhhhh

She went through her backpack and pulled out a small golden colored Bible. She handed it to Velvet. Velvet opened it to the beginning and gasped, “D-Dove! This is from your parents! Including your Dad! Are you sure you want to give it to.... to me?” Velvet asked looked up at Dove with wide eyes. Dove gave her a sad smile. “You are my friend. I have another Bible at home, I want to give this to you. You need it more then me.” Dove explained “Wouldn't you just give me the other one?” Velvet asked “No. At least not now. “Ahem! Can you two talk about this later? 

This religious stuff is nonsense anyway!” Ember exclaimed “Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But I want to know.” Velvet said. Ember shook her head.

But why did I do 'golden colored' I'm sure there is a word for that color... 
Oh yeah and "This is from your parents! Including your Dad!"  

Why would she say parents and then say including your dad? *facepalms* I needed to learn lots.

 “Okay. Where were we in our game?” Dove asked “You just got rid of all the Phantoms.” Ember said “Oh yeah. Okay.” Dove ran over to her two friends. She shook them and shook them but nothing worked. Dove looked up. “Dear God, please heal my friends. Help them to wake up.” Suddenly Sir Gilbert the tiger Alpha ran into Alpha HQ. “What happened here?” he asked “Phantoms attacked us! They shocked Ember and Velvet!” Dove exclaimed “They will be alright, the Phantom's lighting of sorts just makes them fall consensus for hours.” Sir Gilbert said. “How long?” Dove asked. “Eh, four hours by the looks of it.” said Sir Gilbert. So, Dove and Sir Gilbert waited four hours. (Or ten seconds in real life) Velvet and Ember got up. 

Suddenly sir gilbert the tiger alpha ran into alpha hq 
tsk tsk tsk,  still no comas.. Also Dove and Sir Gilbert waited four hours, how about for four hours? I guess it depends.. also how is it 'by the looks of it' Mr. Gilbert? Also that would be awkward if they just waited four hours XD. 

“What happened?” they asked. “Phantoms came and attacked, they shocked you” Sir Gilbert said “Can't believe they would go this far.” Ember mumbled “Let's discuss plans.” Sir Gilbert said. After about two hours of discussing plans, fighting Phantoms, and more, it was time for dinner. “You got the sandwiches?” Ember asked Dove. “Sure do!” Dove grabbed her backpack and pulled out three sandwiches. She gave one to Ember and Velvet and saved one for herself. “How much food do you have?” Ember asked “A lot, don't worry. We'll have enough.” Dove said. “Plus me and Velvet have some.” Ember said. They spread out their sleeping-bags.

This is the end of the chapter.

Oh my goodness, I love how it says 
After about two hours of discussing plans, fighting Phantoms, and more, it was time for dinner.  
Fighting Phantoms and more.

You know what, I'm going to do the rewritten version, next week, or this post will be really long! 
Me: I never promised! Eek! It was a last minute decision
You guys: 😠😠
Me: *runs*
You guys: Ahem!

John 3:16 
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 
You guys: Ahem! 
Me: Oh yeah! Forgot the siggy! 
Well, that's all for now Jammers! And remember! Stay safe, Jam On, Play Wild, and remember God made you! Byeee!  


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